It has been a couple weeks since G left me, and the funeral was about 2  weeks ago. I never thought saying goodbye would be so hard and dreedful, but it turns out it is. The past couple of weeks have been really hard for me, and i'm not gonna lie i've cried about every night. School is even harder having to face everyone and all the questions that come with them, but the hardest thing that i had to do since G died was tell her bf H.

I remember that night, T and I were sitting at my house watching House (one of my favorite shows.) and H's mom had called and told us that H was going to get released from the hospitol tonight, and it would be nice if we were there for him. H didn't know that G had died because they didn't want to tell him anything that would get his heart rate up, or have something else happen. So i had told the nurse that i would tell him, since i was the closest to G out of the three of us. I went into the room waiting for him to finish changing in the bathroom. After he came out i knew i had to tell him....

So how does it feel to be going home?

Uh i don't really know, i guess i'm just relieved that nothing bad happened.

Yeah, lucky for you.

Yeah i know, so where is G? i've been trying to text her since i got the news that i was out.

She's not here.

oh, why? i thought i told my mom to call her.

no no H she isn't here here

What do you mean?

When you said thankful nothing bad happened and i said lucky for you, i only meant lucky for you...

What? Is G ok?

No, yes... well

Bee just tell me!! (long pause) bee??

She's dead, gone, not here, the night of the accident she lost so much blood that there was no way in saving her, she died 2 days ago H. I'm so so so sorry!!! I know exactly ow you feel.... we've been friends for the longest time, and now i feel like i have nothing no one....

Please tell me your kidding, and your really good at fake crying, and any minute G is just gonna pop out somewhere and say surprise, were jk.

H you know my acting skills are zero, and i wouldn't lie to you about something like this.

At that moment he just sat there no movement no sound, and then for the first time i saw H cry, not just cry but ball. He just sat there with his face in his hands and balled.... Saying over and over agian why not me why not me.... he then leaned in and just hugged me and just cried, and so did i. It felt nice having someone understand what i felt, how much sadness was stabbing my heart, and how much pain aced inside of me. The funerral wasn't that much better, just more tears, and sad faces. I loved her very much, and i wish she could've stayed just a little longer because we didn't even get to finish our list. But G always told me....

"We can die at anytime, so we should not fear it but rather just let it happen, and let rest work out."

until the next big gossip hits this little town...

i will always be...

xoxo,

Bee (:

P.S.

How would you tell your best friends bf/gf that they had just died?? or tell me a time that you you ever had to tell someone really bad news.  Let me know....

xoxo,

Bee (:

Have you ever been told so many lies that you just stop believing everything that comes out of anyones mouth even though it might actually be true??!! Well lets just say thats the stage i am in right now.....

After the whole T incident about 2 weeks ago i did this little thing i like to call guy shopping, it's where you go out to the most random places and meet guys and get their number and just talk to them, so i met some pretty cool guys.... and i even started to fall for this one... we'll call him "K". So K and i started talking and he had asked me if i wanted to come over to his ouse for a party this weekend, and of course i said yes. But the party had gotten really out of hand and so did i. Truthfully i don't even remember this happening, but G had told me everything that had gone on that night...... Anyways i was at the party and "K" had obviously spiked or druged my drink, so that i would have sex with him, but G had told me that i had lost control of myself, and when she came to find me i was half passed out on "K's" bed, and he was on top of trying to take my clothes off  kiss me. She told me that she had called someone to take us home because neither of us were in any state to drive.

When i woke up the next morning i wasn't in my bed, and i wasn't in G's bed, but i realized that the room i was in was T's room, and it was his bed i was in, and when i turned around to see what time it was he was sitting right beside me, still in what looked like the same clothes that he had on last night. About two minutes later he woke up, and i had noticed that he had a slightly black and blue eye, and knew that it wasn't from the accident that had happened almost a month ago, because all those wounds had healed. i just sat there awkwardly looking at it, and wondering why i was even in his bed room, and why he wasn't yelling at me to get out.?!

"What happened to your eye?"

"Is it black and blue?"

"A little."

"Damn it"

"What?"

"My eye.."

"yeah.... how did it happen?"

"long story, and it's really not the right time to tell you."

"WHY?!"

"It's just not!, OKAY?"

"Fine, then can you explain to me why im here?"

"G will, i told i would call her when you woke up."

"What the F**k  T just tell me why the hell im here because im sick of finding things out from other people, and im absolutly sick of being lied to!!!!"

"I told you it would be better if we wouldn't talk to each other anymore."

"Then why the hell are you talking to me? And if thats the case why the hell am i in your G*d damn house??"

"I told you, G will explain everything when she comes and picks you up."

"Fine then be a staburn ass. And you know what i'll just walk to her house because it would be so much better then sitting here talkin to someone who doesn't even wanna give me a F**king answer let alone talk to me."

"Listen bee, i just don't wanna screw things up with my girlfriend, and loose her, thats all."

"You screwed things up with her a long time ago T. and you know what im kind of starting to believe everything you told me that night was a lie, and i feel like such an idiot for believing it."

"I meant what i said that night, but you have to understand that i've been with my girlfriend longer and it's only fair."

"Since when does any one around here play fair??.... What ever"

"Your just gonna leave?"

"Yeah, im gonna do exactly what you do, walk away from the problems instead of fixing it because, i don't know, right now that seems a hell of a lot easier."

"Fine."

"oh and T."

"What?"

"Feelings are allowed to change for someone, you just need to tell yourself that they can, and once you do that... Things will actually be fair, not only for that person, but for yourself.........just think about it."

After i left his room i walked for about 5 minute before G picked me up. She had explained everything to me in detail about the party and what had happened. But i was scared to ask her about the whole T thing because i was so mad at him at that point i didn't want to even say his name, but obviously i didn't even have to ask because she had brought it up on her own. She told me that last night when "K" was on top of me trying to get in my pants she had called T  and had him come over, because she didn't know what else to do, and she told me that he was over there so fast, and K and him had gotten into a fight (that explains the black eye.) , and then had taken me back to his place because his rents weren't home that night, and G wouldn't have to explain to her parents why i was half passed out. She also told me that he had tried to stay up all night to make sure i was okay and stayed by my side just incase i needed anything.....my head was spinning so fast and i felt sick to my stomach, he had saved me in a weird and gross way, but never the less he had still saved me, and i didn't even get a chance to say thank you....

Later that night my mom told me that I had a visitor…. So I went to see who it was to my surprise T was standing there….

“You were right.”

“About what?”

“Everything… me walking away from my problems before there is an answer, about me lying to myself about what I want, and just about everything.”

 “Why are you here??... I thought you said it’s better if we didn’t talk, that way you don’t screw things up with little miss ****?.”

“I lied. I realized after you left how much I wanted you and I just couldn’t wait to see you again even if you were mad at me. And I’m gonna be completely honest with you I haven’t stopped thinking about you since new years, and I know you probably don’t care but I want us to be something... even if it just friends right now…. I’ve realized I can't, not, have you in my life.”

“What about your girlfriend?”

“What about her?”

“Won’t she care?”

“Probably, but like you said feelings are allowed to change, but I don’t think mine ever will, nor do I want them to.”

“Wait what?”

“Every girl I meet I compare to you, but they never come close because I have so many feelings for you, and there never going to change and if they do, it won’t be for a very long time, and truthfully I don’t want them to.”

“T, I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything.”

At that moment he leaned in and gave me hug, and it was probably one of the longest hugs of my life, but every one learned something that day…. T learned that running way from your problems doesn’t make them go away it just makes them come back and bite you in the ass, and I learned that you can’t let something go that has a piece of you that can't be returned, and if you wait they'll come back, but if they don't then you've learned from your mistakes. And like Doug Horton once said

“If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”

 And then he whispered in my ear…

“I will love you forever.”

Till the next scandals gossip hit this little town…

I will always be…

xoxo,

BEE (:

Feed back;; P.S. note

p.s. okay guys lets play a little game i like to call what would’ve you done if this happened to you?? Would you have..... 

A: forgive him and let him back into your life?

B:Pull away and ask him to leave?

C:Cuss him out

Tell meh what you would’ve done (:

Love ya,

Bee (:

i've decided that i needed a change, and a new start, so i'm changing my look completely. Well just my hair, but i've never changed anything on me before because i have no reason to. But yesterday my bestfriend "G" and i went to the hair dresser, and she told be tht she would change with me because what kind of friend would she be if she let me do it on my own. HA (:

But we were talking about how if i change my image that i should probably change my out look on life. Look at in a whole different way. And i thought to myself that she is probably right. But any ways thats not what im gonna talk about.

Did you ever want something so badly, and they want you but there with someone else? Well that something for me is T. I was over at my best friend "G's" house last night, and we were suppose to go out to eat with a bnch of our clothese friends, and i had invited T thinking that he would've come alone, but i was wrong once again. He had showed up with his gf...we'll call her "L".... but anyways he had ignored me the whole night and when i went to talk to him he gave me one word answers like good, cool, yeah. I didn't know who to be mad at myself for not telling him to come alone or him for bringing "L" with him. The funny thing is when they walked in they acted like nothing happened, and she didn't even act the least bit mad, it's like Hello? you did know i just f**ked your boyfriend the other night? Right?. But whatever i pissed, angry, and i wanted to go home. But since i am the one who came up with the whole idea i thought that i should put on a happy face and act like i was having fun. Before long i actually was, and by the end of the night i wish it wasn't over.

Later that night "G" and i were sitting on her bed watching the cutest love movies ever made (thats what we always do) but i looked at my phone and i had a text from "T" and that was the last person i wanted to talk to considering he didn't talk to me all night long but since i am still qualified to be his friend i had responded

T: Hey you

Me: Heyy whats up?

T: nothing really just watching football, wbu

Me: oh thats funn, ah pretty much the same just hanging with G

T: Oh yeah i forgot you two were hanging out tonight ha

Me: yeah. Is something wrong?

T: Nah i just wanted to apologize for ignoring you tonight.

Me: it's cool, but why did you

T: Ah i don't even know, i guess i didn't want things to be akward between you and L. Ha! but did i tell you that she forgave me and is willing to give me another chance :)

Me: No you didn't, but thats cool.

T: Yeah i no, but do you wanna hangout tomorrow?

Me: Idk if thats a good idea.

T: y?

Me: Because well i don't wanna mess things up with you and your gf again.

T: you wont. she understands that were just really close friends now.

Me: What are we gonna do?

T: i don't know we could chill at my house or your house or the beach

Me: okay, well that sounds good, but im about to watch  movie so i'll text you in the morning to get further details (: ha Night T.

T: Alright that sounds good, oh and Bee one more thing.

Me: yeah?

T: Love you :) night

I couldn't believe it.... did he really just say that? He has a Gf that just 4gave him for having sex with another girl, and he is telling the one that he had it with that he loves her?? WOW but like William Maugham said

"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned"

and maybe thats all what T needs.

until the next scandless gossip hits these streets....

i will always be...

xoxo,

Bee (:

Feedback;; P.S. note

P.S. help a girl out here, i don't know whether to say it back to him because  i don't know if im ready, but i do know how i feel about him. But i'm not quite sure if he means it when he says it or if he just feels obligated to say it because he took my virginity.

Tell me what you think

love ya,

Bee (: